Saturday, March 26, 2016

Alternate Universe Me

Dear Alternate Universe Me,
If you happen to read this message a couple of weeks ago... Stop what you are thinking! I know that you have headaches every single day, I know your neck and shoulders throb because you clench your teeth every single night. I understand that you are fracturing your root canals because of the pressure you put on your teeth. I get that you only get like 3 hours of sleep.... But, Braces? #?$&@
Here is how it starts out... A couple of weeks ago, you get clips put in... (They fricken hurt!!! And fall out over the week. 😥 The next week you go back at 7:30 am to have brackets glued to each tooth and crowny things with brackets on the inside and out wrapped around your molars.

When the dentist goes to place the mid-evil torture device retainer thing (that gets cranked daily to stretch your pallet) he discovers that it was made wrong! Apparently when it was custom built, they broke the mold literally and did not make room for your bridge.

No big deal because it can just be sent back to the lab... Across the country, to be remade. Not only is this a show stopper... But it also puts an end to any chewing that needs to happen. It is ok, ya know come on back next week and hopefully, it will be back from the lab!

You would think, that since my top teeth are straight and my bottom teeth are 100% hidden when I bit prior to braces, I should be able to have some sort of contact with some of my teeth.... But surprisingly, nothing works in my mouth! The brackets are all in the way of the love affair my teeth have with each other... So close and yet sooooo far. Good times...

So as I sit here now on the verge of tomorrow, I think about you... My alternate universe self. In the morning I make the two hour drive once again to the Orthodontist office to hopefully get my wires, elastic's and torture rack installed. (Good thing I love driving because I get to go back like every week to be re-wired... No, this is not something my Master Electrician husband can do... Apparently only a dentist can 'wire' a mouth!)

Two years of tin grin to go... No big deal, I have made it through two weeks already. Tears can be dried each time I think of the food that I can no longer eat, it is only a little embarrassing when the waitress asks what I would like to order and I say I will just watch everyone else eat. It is just a good thing I like yogurt, porridge, soup, rice noodles and Jello. (I am giving Utah a run for its Jello consumption record.)

I am sure everything will go smoothly... But if you want my advice, other me...smash your face into a brick wall and just get all new dental implants, while lazily enjoying a stay in the hospital... At least you will be asleep while they do it and you can wake up better then new.
That way, you won't have to deal with all of the people saying, "why, at your age would you ever get braces... "Or, "you don't even see your bottom teeth, don't be so vain!"

It is ok me... Since it is world water day, I am going to put some wax on my teeth and add to the world water levels by crying in my pillow! (I will squeeze the water into a jar in the morning, ok we both know it will be tears and slobber but it is water, right!)
Just remember, I love you, no one better than me knows exactly what I am going through! Two years will be over in a blink of an eye, and as another humanitarian contribution to the world, I may start stock piling all of the food that I get stuck in my teeth.. It could already fed a small country!
I got this!
Me (Marcia encase you forgot you were reading a letter to myself silly, me!)

*** To everyone else who read this letter to Me. If you are thinking to yourself, well, you could afford to go awhile without a sandwich or five... Well that is not very nice! You should feel bad for saying that, besides unless a momma bird were to first eat the sandwich and then feed it back to me out of her little bird mouth, I couldn't eat a sandwich even if I wanted one! So, don't be a jerk! You are the one reading someone else's note remember.

Please note, I am funny and I wrote this little note to me, to make myself feel better. And to read back to myself in a couple of days and think ... Ha, ha ,ha ... remember back a couple of days ago when I was whining about how much it sucked to not be able to eat anything? Well, that was Nothing.... Have I got a story for you!!!!

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